I was listening to a lecture this morning on the brain and according to the Prof, the only neural circuitry that is re-purposed as we grow is the one related to our relationship with our primary care takers to the people we have fall in love with as we grow up.
Which led onto an intersting debate about how we are unable to form healthy relationships with people until we heal the connections we have made in childhood. If we were lucky enough to have been brought up in a caring environment and had our needs and emotions looked after, then we are better equipped to handle a romantic relationship.
Faulty caretaker circuits as we grew up need healing and this is often something we need to do ourselves, with the help of a counsellor if necessary. If this doesn’t happen, children who have suffered abuse from a parent will seek a partner with the same traits because that is what has defined “love and care” for them. It’s very sad to think that our children will be putting themselves in the same position as they were as a child and thus have an unhappy relationship without recognising this issue.
I grew up in a loving family where care was often extended to helping people and even animals in need. It has taken me a while, but I have learnt that it’s not my job to heal other people because this is only something they can do themselves. It’s not easy but I have now established barriers beyond which I will not go in the early stages of a connection. For example, some partners needs time to recognise that they are not going to get hurt deliberately; so when they are hesitant or even withdraw emotionally from time to time, give them that space. They may need to recognise that just because their previous partner hurt them and now they are starting to experience feelings for you that you are going to abandon them as well. Yes, it’s not logical but they have “learnt” that once you get close to someone, then things break down.
If you care about someone, you are just there for them and allow things to progress at a pace that both find acceptable; help them regain the trust that they have lost, because you are not their previous partner. That neural circuitry can “heal”, given time and all the things you are/have that they value.
