Picture this:
A sleek-suited consultant, armed with a pitch deck of vague buzzwords and a LinkedIn profile boasting “strategic synergies,” walks into the office (or Teams chat) of an unsuspecting tech director. The mission? To embed himself so thoroughly into the company that even the coffee machine starts taking instructions from him.
Step One: Flattery Overload
The consultant knows his target well. “Your vision is unparalleled! The industry is decades behind your genius! Honestly, Steve Jobs would have wept if he saw your latest circuit board design.” A few well-placed compliments, and suddenly, the tech director is nodding along, basking in the glow of well-rehearsed admiration.
Step Two: Mastering the Jargon Echo
Consultants thrive on jargon, but the real skill is parroting the tech director’s own words back at him—just with more enthusiasm. “What you’re saying, sir, is that we need an agile, disruptive, cross-functional synergy between embedded systems and scalable architecture. BRILLIANT!” No one knows what it means, but somehow, the consultant has managed to make the tech director feel even smarter.
Step Three: Convenient Agreement
The consultant never, under any circumstances, disagrees with the tech director. “Oh, you want to use blockchain for our coffee orders? Incredible foresight! Absolutely game-changing!” By this point, the tech director is so enamored with his new best friend that the company’s actual experts—who are shaking their heads in the background—are completely ignored. Sound familiar?!
Step Four: Infiltration Complete
Once firmly ensconced in the tech director’s inner circle, the consultant begins calling every day, offering unsolicited advice on topics he only skimmed on Wikipedia that morning; all about business development that promise the elusive pot of gold. The finance team is concerned because they have checked the consultant’s accounts at Companies House, the engineers are mutinous because the consultant has been put on a pedestal, and the marketing team is now being advised on “leveraging quantum computing for brand positioning”. As for that company secretary questioning his involvement ; “well he’s just on a vendetta because my pen is bigger than his” !
And the best part? The consultant starts creating business plans with corporate structures where every head of department is a “Chief”
Oh and guess what! He’s brain washed the tech director into creating a new department called “Strategic Vision Alignment” or “Corporate Synergy Optimization.” A role where nothing gets done, but meetings are endless, pitch decks multiply like rabbits and he’s the Chief Visioner of course!
Moral of the story? If you ever see a consultant dragging his duvet into the tech director’s office, be afraid, be very afraid.
Photo by Elijah Mears
