Have you ever walked into a meeting, listened to someone pitch an idea, and thought: “Wow, this is a baby’s used nappy wrapped in a PowerPoint?”, but everyone else is nodding like they just heard the wisdom of the ages? Scary isn’t it…!
In business, there’s an art to ignoring the obvious. You’d think if something looks like a disaster, sounds like a disaster, and comes with a 37-slide proposal explaining why it’s not a disaster, then it’s probably, you guessed it, a disaster…
But no. Instead, people slap some corporate jargon on it, call it a “strategic initiative,” and off we go, pouring money and manpower/ time into a black hole of bad ideas and coat tail hanger ons.
One of my favorite moments in business is when someone repackages failure as innovation. You know the type: “This isn’t a total collapse of our business model; it’s a pivot!” No, Mike, it’s a train wreck with a press release. Let’s label it as a mistake and learn from it. It’s like serving burnt toast and calling it ‘charcoal infused artisan bread.’ You can try to sell it that way, but I’m still reaching for the fruit granola instead!
A beautiful way to avoid reality in the business world is through creative language. We don’t have problems, we have challenges. We’re not failing, we’re learning rapidly. We’re not firing people, we’re streamlining for efficiency.
Look, I’m all for optimism, but if the company is haemorrhaging money faster than a kid with their parents’ credit card in an online game, we might need to call it what it is: a complete mess.
Now, I get it. No one likes to be the bearer of bad news. But when you’re the only person in the room thinking, “Are we seriously moving forward with this nonsense?”; it’s a lonely place to be.
You try to point it out gently: “Maybe we should reconsider?”
And someone responds, “No, no, Yvette, you just don’t see the vision.” Ah, yes. The ‘vision.’ That mystical thing that makes people invest in businesses that burn cash like an unattended bonfire.
There’s a special breed in the business world that likes to burn other people’s cash and time: the conmen consultants. They breeze in, armed with a flashy pitch deck, some vague credentials that don’t check out when you dig in, and a talent for speaking in circles. These are the folks who use words like “synergize,” “value-added paradigm shifts,” and “leveraging core competencies” while ultimately contributing nothing but an invoice which values their hourly rate at triple that of an eminent Harley Street cardiologist.
Conmen consultants are the Shakespearean actors of the business world; masters of dramatic pauses, empathetic nods, and the well-timed “I hear you.” Their real talent? Sniffing out business owners who feel like visionaries tragically ignored by the world. To these consultants, that kind of frustration isn’t a red flag, it’s a flashing neon sign that says “Easy Mark.” They’ll mirror your complaints, sprinkle in some jargon, and voilà!, you’re not just a struggling entrepreneur anymore, you’re a misunderstood genius whose time has finally come… with their help, of course. And while you’re basking in the glow of being “finally heard,” they’re either invoicing you for the privilege of your own echo or off writing their job description as your Company’s “Chief BS Operator” (you’ll be familiar with the word “chief” from their pitch deck).
These consultants don’t offer real solutions; they offer catharsis disguised as strategy. They listen just long enough to echo back the owner’s grievances, affirm their brilliance, and position themselves as the long-missing ally who truly “gets it.” It’s a performance of empathy, carefully designed to bypass critical thinking and replace it with flattery. And by the time the retainer is signed, the business owner isn’t buying expertise, they’re buying the feeling of finally being seen. Unfortunately, that’s all they’ll get.
The real giveaway? If a consultant can’t explain their value in one clear, no-BS sentence, they don’t have any.
And if you dare to call them out? Oh, you’re not just pointing out verifiable facts about their consultancy track record, you’re on a personal vendetta (“Deflection” – a classic tactic used by those who practice to deceive). Next thing you know, they’re in the director’s office, shaking their head in disappointment. “I think she has some deep-seated issues with my inputs and my visions. She’s resisting change.”
Nope, Yvette just has a functioning brain, has met these types before and doesn’t like watching a company burn to the ground over a glorified TED Talk from someone whose business network exists only in their pitch deck and profile on LinkedIn. That list of clients and VCs they have been dangling? Well you’ll find that at the end of the rainbow they have been painting in your head. (NB: You can’t call someone a client because you got a “read receipt” from emails you sent…)
It’s always fascinating to receive advice from individuals whose business acumen appears to be entirely self-awarded, and whose investor ties are as elusive as their measurable success. At some point, the novelty of bold claims wears off, especially when they’re not backed by anything more substantial than a few buzzwords and a pitch deck full of hypotheticals.
So why would a consultant stick around a company where someone has exposed their smoke-and-mirrors routine?
Because grifting is an art form. They’re not here to add value; they’re here to attach themselves to the nearest executive like a remora on a shark. They’ll nod solemnly in online meetings, regurgitate leadership’s own ideas back at them and somehow make it look like they are the key to everything materialising. If a project is going to succeed, it’s because of their “strategic vision.” If it flops, well, leadership just didn’t implement their “groundbreaking ideology” correctly. Either way, they walk away richer, and the company walks away dumber and way behind – an expensive business diversion…
At some point, all the fluff, jargon, and misplaced enthusiasm crash into cold, hard reality. Budgets don’t lie and neither do market and client responses.
So, if you ever find yourself in a meeting wondering if you’re the only sane person left, just remember: if it looks like garbage and smells like garbage, don’t let anyone convince you it’s a ‘disruptive industry transformation.’ It’s just garbage, take it out and bin it.
Photo by Taras Chernus
