It started innocently enough, as many interesting conversations do, with a discussion about mobile phones. We were comparing setups and explaining why some of us juggle more than one device on a social chat platform. I explained that for me, it was purely practical. I have one number for work and one that used to act as an alert line for my kids, and everything else fits around those priorities. The idea is simple: if my children rang, I dropped everything. That phone was sacred.
Then one of the guys casually typed, “I should get another mobile, guess that’s why I am single lol.” That raised a few eyebrows. The chat turned lively. I asked, half teasing, half curious, if he had been double dipping. Eventually, and somewhat sheepishly, he admitted yes, while the rest of us debated the psychology behind it.
That’s when things got interesting. Because what drives someone who seemingly has everything at home to risk it all for what they call “thrills”? The more we peeled back the layers, the more it became clear that this wasn’t simply about opportunity. It was about the human brain, fear, and the need for excitement.
When someone cheats despite having a stable, loving relationship, it is rarely about what they lack in their partner. More often, it is about what they feel is missing within themselves. Science has a lot to say about this. For one, novelty is a powerful drug. Researchers like Dr. Helen Fisher have shown that the brain lights up with dopamine when we encounter something new. The same neural pathways that respond to cocaine or gambling are activated by the thrill of a new romantic or sexual partner. It’s not love they are addicted to, it’s the high.
Thrill-seeking is not reserved for skydivers or rally drivers. Some people get the same rush from sneaking around, knowing that they are walking a tightrope. The secrecy adds another layer to the experience. The brain releases adrenaline and cortisol under stress, which heighten arousal and cement emotional memories. It’s why forbidden fruit tastes sweeter, even if it leaves a bitter aftertaste later.
Psychologists also point to ego validation. Even in a solid relationship, some individuals need constant reassurance that they are desirable, wanted, powerful. An affair becomes a mirror that reflects back an image they crave, even if it is only temporary. They are not necessarily dissatisfied with their partner. They are trying to fill a void within themselves.
From a neurochemical standpoint, the contrast between love at home and an affair is stark. Long-term relationships are rich in oxytocin, the bonding hormone that builds trust and security. This is wonderful, but it is also calming, predictable. Affairs, on the other hand, spike dopamine. Dopamine loves uncertainty, loves the chase. The brain mistakes that rush for passion. Add to that intermittent reinforcement, where encounters are sporadic and unpredictable, and you have a cycle eerily similar to gambling addiction. The unpredictability makes it all the more addictive.
There are, of course, the more human reasons too. Fear of ageing, boredom, an unacknowledged hunger for adventure. Some chase thrills because they are running from the mirror, avoiding the reality of time slipping by. Others repeat patterns from their past, where chaos feels safer than peace. They might not even understand why they do it, only that the stability of home triggers a need to disrupt.
Interestingly, fewer women stray than men, and science offers several explanations. Women often place greater value on emotional connection in relationships, meaning that if they are fulfilled emotionally, the desire to look elsewhere is lower. Studies suggest that women experience higher levels of oxytocin during bonding, which strengthens attachment to their partner. Evolutionary theories add another angle, proposing that women historically have been more selective because the risks of pregnancy made casual encounters far more consequential. Modern research also shows that women who do cheat are more likely to do so when there is an emotional void, rather than purely for the thrill. Men, in contrast, are more likely to seek out novelty and sexual variety regardless of relationship quality, driven by a stronger dopamine response to new sexual stimuli.
The guy in our chat laughed it off, but underneath the humour was a truth many would rather not admit. The second mobile becomes not just a device, but a symbol. For some, it is practicality. For others, it is the gateway to a double life. When they call it thrills, they are glossing over the deeper story. The thrill is real, yes, but it is chemical, fleeting, and ultimately a distraction from something they do not want to face.
In the end, affairs rarely deliver what they promise. The secrecy, the danger, the rush, it all fades. The high crashes, guilt sets in, and the person is left staring at the same internal void they tried to escape. Science explains the mechanisms, but it also offers a sobering reminder: what feels exciting is not always what is fulfilling. True connection, the kind that weathers storms and routines, may not come with fireworks every day, but it is the kind of thrill that lasts.
So… ever thought about getting a second phone for reasons other then work?
