Playing the victim is a behaviour almost everyone has encountered, whether in the office, at home, or in social circles; I was discussing this with a contact this morning, so I thought it would be useful to have a meander as I do…
Playing the victim occurs when someone positions themselves as the target of unfair treatment, often to gain sympathy, avoid responsibility, or manipulate outcomes. While it’s easy to dismiss this behaviour as attention-seeking, psychology suggests it often stems from deeper cognitive patterns and survival strategies.
Personal Life: Victimhood in Relationships
In personal contexts, playing victim can manifest in subtle or obvious ways. For example, a friend might constantly complain about “never being invited” to social gatherings, even when invitations were sent, framing themselves as excluded. Romantic partners sometimes do this by highlighting all the sacrifices they’ve made while downplaying their own contributions.
Parents and siblings can use victim narratives to influence others’ behaviour. A parent might say, “After all I’ve done for you, this is how you repay me?” to evoke guilt and compliance. A sibling might exaggerate minor slights, making themselves the emotional centre of family disputes. In each case, the behaviour shifts attention away from personal responsibility and towards eliciting empathy or control.
Business Life: Victimhood at Work
Victim behaviour is also common in professional settings. Employees may blame colleagues, clients, or managers for missed deadlines rather than acknowledging their own role. For instance, someone might claim, “If only the system wasn’t so unfair, I would have succeeded,” turning focus away from personal accountability.
In leadership, playing victim can be a strategic, though often counterproductive, move. Managers who claim their team “undermines them” may be attempting to consolidate authority or excuse poor outcomes. Negotiators sometimes use victim framing to gain concessions, highlighting past injustices or external barriers to position themselves as deserving of extra support.
The Psychology Behind Playing Victim
Psychologists identify several mechanisms that drive this behaviour:
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External Locus of Control: People perceive events as controlled by outside forces rather than their own actions, making it easier to adopt a victim stance.
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Cognitive Distortions: Overgeneralisation (“Nothing ever goes right for me”) or magnification of minor setbacks can reinforce a sense of helplessness.
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Emotional Regulation: Playing victim can generate attention, care, or leniency from others, acting as a coping strategy for stress or anxiety.
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Learned Behaviour: Early experiences where victimhood was rewarded—through parental sympathy or social support—can entrench the pattern over time.
It’s important to note that not all expressions of distress are manipulative. Feeling wronged, hurt, or stressed is normal. The “victim mentality” refers specifically to a repetitive pattern where externalisation dominates and personal agency is consistently minimised.
How to Respond and Protect Yourself
In both personal and professional contexts, recognising the pattern is key. Strategies include:
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Maintaining clear boundaries: Avoid taking responsibility for another person’s emotional manipulation and getting embroiled.
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Encouraging accountability: Frame questions around actions and choices, not feelings alone.
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Limiting reinforcement: Resist giving excessive sympathy for repeated victim narratives.
For those reflecting on their own behaviour, self-awareness exercises and therapy can help identify triggers and develop healthier coping strategies.
Playing victim is a common, understandable behaviour that spans the personal and professional spheres. Understanding its psychology helps us respond more effectively, protect our own boundaries, and foster accountability, both in ourselves and in others. I understand that it is not often easy to walk away from these people, so do reach out if you feel talking can help you.
Further Reading
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Kets de Vries, M. F. R. (2006). The Leader on the Couch: A Clinical Approach to Changing People & Organisations.
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Lazarus, R. S. (1993). Coping Theory and Research: Past, Present, and Future.
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Beck, A. T. (1976). Cognitive Therapy and the Emotional Disorders.
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Johnston, L. (2011). The Victim Mentality: How to Recognise It and Break Free.
