There is a very particular type of dread women experience when a random man messages “hi” online.
Not because “hi” is terrifying in itself. It is usually harmless.
But because there is a non-zero chance that within three messages you are about to see either:
- a blurry bathroom mirror selfie,
- a mattress on the floor,
- or a close-up photograph of anatomy nobody requested.
Sometimes all three.
This week I had one of those encounters myself.
A man privately messaged me on a platform. Standard enough. He said hello and immediately sent a photo of himself standing there in just boxer shorts.
I replied: “I don’t need selfies.”
That, in most normal adult communication systems, would be interpreted as a polite version of “absolutely not.”
Instead, he continued: “I’m horny, can I show you?”
I replied: “I’m neither needy nor interested.”
Again, very clear. Very direct. Very much not an invitation to continue the National Geographic documentary of his underground. Naturally, he sent another photo anyway. Then another, featuring a pair of boxers doing their absolute best impression of a festival tent in high winds.
At that point I informed him that repeatedly sending unwanted sexual images can in fact amount to a criminal offence in the UK and thanked him for kindly including his face in the evidence pack should police involvement ever become necessary. Remarkably, this caused an almost immediate outbreak of manners: he apologised and backed off very quickly. Funny that – bet that dampened his ardour for a few minutes and perhaps the thought of the police turning up on his doorstep, to be answered by his wife or partner will make him think twice the next time he’s feeling the sap rising…
One of my rugby mates saw the screenshots and, being who he is (love you Paul!) immediately ignored the intended horror of the situation and instead focused on a far more pressing issue:
“The question I have is… is that ladies underwear on the floor?”
And honestly, once he said that, my mood changed completely. Because there is something uniquely tragic about a man attempting aggressive sexual confidence while apparently standing in a room that looks like a lost property bin after a hen party. We both laughed, quite a lot.
But underneath the humour sits a very real issue that women deal with constantly online: the problem with “It’s Just Banter, block them”. Many men who send unsolicited sexual images convince themselves they are flirting, but they aren’t… To me, flirting involves mutual participation: mutual interest, . Reading the room. Basic social awareness. Ideally literacy.
What they are actually doing is forcing sexual content onto somebody who has not consented to receive it. And increasingly, UK law recognises that distinction. This behaviour now has a widely recognised name: cyberflashing – meaning sending unsolicited sexual images electronically. Usually through dating apps, social media, messaging platforms, AirDrop, or private messages.
And despite what some people still think, this is not treated as “just online nonsense” anymore.
The UK Laws Being Broken
In England and Wales, several laws can apply depending on the circumstances.
Online Safety Act 2023
This introduced specific offences around cyberflashing. It became illegal to intentionally send unsolicited sexual images where the sender intends to cause alarm, distress, humiliation, or send the image for sexual gratification while being reckless about the impact on the recipient.
Translation into normal English:
if somebody sends explicit content without consent because it turns them on, and they do not care whether it upsets you, they can potentially be committing an offence.
Which is quite a large number of men with suspiciously confident bathroom mirrors.
Communications Act 2003
This legislation can apply to indecent, offensive, or grossly inappropriate electronic communications.
Repeated explicit messages or images can fall into this territory, particularly if they continue after refusal.
Protection from Harassment Act 1997
If behaviour becomes persistent, repeated, intimidating, or distressing, it may amount to harassment.
The important point here is repetition.
One unsolicited image is bad enough. Continuing after somebody says no is where the legal situation becomes much more serious.
Consent Exists Online Too; this is the bit some people still fail to understand. Consent is not suspended because communication happens through a phone screen.
Women are not (all) online to receive private messages requesting them to inspect a stranger’s reproductive ambitions at 1427h on a Thursday afternoon; the internet did not create a magical legal loophole where normal social boundaries disappear – neither are there any “Happy Hours”. Contrary to internet mythology, women are not “playing hard to get” when we say:
- “I’m not interested.”
- “No.”
- “Stop.”
- “Please don’t send that.”
Those are not cryptic riddles requiring male interpretation by a panel of experts – these replies mean “No”
What Women Can Actually Do
A lot of women tolerate this behaviour because they assume nothing can be done, which is not true.
If someone sends unwanted explicit content online:
- Keep usernames and profile links
- Save dates and times
- Do not delete evidence immediately – be very careful about taking screenshots unless you have made this clear (user consent)
- Report the account through the platform (expect them to do very little if anything)
- Block them if needed (but this will then remove your access to the messaging system where the evidence is)
If behaviour becomes persistent, threatening, coercive, or particularly aggressive, it can also be reported to police. In the UK, reports can be made through local police forces (use the non emergency reporting system or the police force website contact form) or organisations such as CEOP.
Real-World Examples
Cyberflashing is far more common than many people realise, examples include:
- Men sending unsolicited explicit images on dating apps after being ignored
- Random AirDrop explicit photos sent to women on trains or public transport
- Persistent sexual messaging after rejection
- Men escalating from “chat” into explicit images without consent
- Repeated sexual content sent through Instagram, Facebook, WhatsApp, Snapchat, or gaming platforms
Many women can describe these experiences instantly because they happen so routinely they have almost become background noise – sad but from my experience, very true.
The Humour Versus the Reality
Humour helps.Sometimes it genuinely is funny afterwards, especially when the attempted alpha-male seduction collapses under the discovery of what appears to be black lacy lingerie. But humour should not hide the reality that unsolicited sexual content can feel invasive, uncomfortable, intimidating, and exhausting. Particularly because women are so often expected to “just ignore it” while still somehow remaining polite. The expectation is bizarre when you think about it because if a man walked up to a stranger in Tesco, announced he was horny, and began unveiling boxer-related developments as part of the “meal deals”, security would arrive at speed usually reserved for shoplifters. Online spaces should not be treated differently simply because the person is using Wi-Fi instead of physically standing there.
The Bottom Line
Sending unsolicited sexual images after somebody has made clear they are not interested is not harmless flirting. It can amount to harassment, cyberflashing and in some circumstances, it can amount to a criminal offence. Women do not owe strangers sexual attention simply because a private message system exists. And quite frankly, if your opening strategy relies heavily on aggressive downward pointing photography, remember to pick up your partner’s Primaris…!
