The Totally Prestigious Guide to Vanity Awards and the “Honour” You Can Buy
Let me guess, you’ve just received that email. The one marked urgent and starting off with:
✨ “Congratulations! You’ve been selected for the Global Excellence Hall of Fame 2025!” ✨
You blink. You don’t remember applying. Hell, you never even heard of this award… But there it is, your name, paired with the word “winner.”
For a split second, your brain does the math:
✅ I am pretty great.
✅ Maybe someone did nominate me?
✅ Should I clear a spot on my shelf?
Then comes the kicker:
“To receive your personalized trophy and a coveted spot in our exclusive online magazine, please submit your payment of £799. Upgrade to Platinum Prestige for £1,299—includes a photo of your award on our homepage (for 3 days).”
Ah, OK… Prestige sure Isn’t cheap for sure right?
Vanity Awards: Because Who Needs Merit When You Have a Credit Card?
Vanity awards are the participation trophies of adulthood, except you don’t even have to show up. You just… pay. It’s like getting crowned Prom King at a prom you didn’t attend, hosted in a strip mall conference room next to the greasy kebab shop.
Their business model is genius, really:
- Shower strangers with flattery.
- Dangle fake prestige.
- Cash, cheques or bank transfers from anyone too polite or too desperate to call it what it is: a glorified invoice for thin air.
🚩 Red Flags So Big They Deserve Their Own Parade:
- “We discovered you through independent research.” (Translation: We found your LinkedIn while hunting for gullible people with websites.)
- “Winners must secure their award with a nominal fee.” (Nominal. Lol.)
- “Featured in our exclusive digital magazine with millions of readers!” (Yeah, if by “millions” you mean the intern refreshing the page. Ask them to prove it.) So exclusive, no one has heard about it either…
- Award names that sound made-up by a 12-year-old with a thesaurus: “The International Pinnacle Apex Platinum Awards of Distinction.”
Why Do People Fall For It?
Because validation is a hell of a drug, and let’s be real, some days, being called “Outstanding Professional of the Year” feels better than a like on your Insta account from a profile called Taylor Swift…
They prey on:
✅ Entrepreneurs
✅ Small business owners
✅ Freelancers running on caffeine and self-doubt
✅ Anyone vulnerable to the siren song of “Add this to your website for credibility!”
What To Do When You Get One:
- Option 1 (Petty): Ask if the trophy is solid gold and comes with a free trip to Venice. Or reply asking “I’d love to accept this honour. My accountant just needs your Company registration and VAT number.” Watch how fast they stop responding.
- Option 2 (Practical): Use the email as a team bonding exercise. Read it dramatically in a meeting. Vote on the most ridiculous line.
- Option 3 (Savage): Post it on social media with the caption: “Nothing says success like buying your own trophy. Tempted? Lols.”
Real awards? You don’t ever have to buy them.
Fake awards? You’re the product, not the winner.
So, the next time someone offers to “honour your excellence” for £799, treat yourself to something actually useful, like literally anything else. Spa day, new office chair, 799 McD x £1 special deals of the day, or really push the boat out and grab yourself 400 bargain buckets from KFC…
Now go forth, Winner. You earned the title: “Chief Vanity Award Dodger” today.
No invoices will be raised in promotion of this post about you.
Photo by Jp Valery
