NB: This article discusses educational policy and relationship education. It does not advocate for schools teaching sexual behaviour or attraction techniques. The focus is on whether current education sufficiently prepares young people with some of the infrastructure which could assist with relationships and careers in modern society.
Schools today are expected to prepare children for life; they teach maths so pupils can manage money, science so pupils can understand the world and languages so pupils can communicate effectively. When it comes to relationships and sexuality, however, the focus is largely on staying safe: consent, contraception, online harms exploitation, grooming, sexual health – all important topics.
Yet there is an awkward question sitting quietly in the corner of the classroom. I am not suggesting that it is the responsibility of schools to teach these skills but who is teaches attraction? Not attraction in the sense of “how to pull”. Not some dubious masterclass delivered by a self-appointed dating guru with a YouTube channel and a worrying collection of leather accountrements hanging on the wall behind them. Rather, the ordinary human skills that most people will use throughout their lives.
How do you express romantic interest respectfully?
How do you know if someone likes you?
How do you handle rejection (eg: from not getting the interview)?
How do you build intimacy?
How do you develop confidence without becoming arrogant?
How do you present yourself in a way that reflects who you are?
For many young people, there is no lesson plan.
The Education Gap Nobody Talks About
Modern PSHE and Relationships, Sex and Health Education have evolved significantly over the last two decades and I am told that the curriculum increasingly reflects genuine concerns facing young people:
- Online abuse
- Sextortion
- Cyberbullying
- Pornography exposure
- Coercive relationships
- Sexual health risks
- Consent and legal boundaries
These topics deserve attention because the internet has created risks previous generations never had to navigate. The challenge is that a curriculum focused heavily on avoiding harm can sometimes leave little room for discussing what healthy, positive relationships actually look like. Imagine teaching driving entirely through crash investigations. You would learn a lot about avoiding disasters. You might never learn to enjoy the journey, let alone know what the destination is…
The Unofficial Teachers
When schools do not cover attraction and relationship dynamics in depth, young people learn elsewhere.
Usually from:
- Friends
- Social media (sigh)
- Television and films
- Influencers
- Family members
- Romantic experiences
The quality of that education varies dramatically. Some receive thoughtful guidance from parents and trusted adults. Others learn from TikTok clips shorter than the average attention span of a goldfish absorbing messages from monetisers whose relationship expertise appears to be based entirely on owning a ring light and just want you to subscribe to their pay per view channel. The result is often confusion and a pressure to add a ring light to their christmas list! Young people may understand what consent means legally but struggle to understand emotional communication. They may know how to identify unhealthy behaviour yet have little guidance on building healthy connections.
A conversation last year with someone brought this idea into sharp focus for me; he remarked that I remind him of Marie Calvet from the television series Mad Men. It was not intended as a comparison of looks, but of presence. Apparently I am the real world Marie complete with the accent – lols… I’ve not watched the show, but he described her as intelligent, elegant, self-assured, entirely comfortable in her own skin with a natural ability to command attention without appearing to seek it.
What struck me was that nobody teaches those qualities to our kids. There is no lesson on developing poise, confidence, social awareness or the quiet self-belief that allows a person to walk into a room and feel comfortable being themselves or eat alone in a restaurant. Yet these are often the very qualities people admire, remember and are drawn towards. They are learned through experience, observation, relationships, successes, mistakes and the examples set by those around us. In many ways, that comparison perfectly illustrates the gap in modern education. We spend considerable time teaching young people how to stay safe, but relatively little time helping them understand the personal qualities that contribute to healthy attraction, confidence and human connection.
These qualities are not confined to romantic relationships. They often play a significant role in professional life as well. Confidence, emotional intelligence, social awareness and the ability to build rapport can influence everything from job interviews to client meetings and workplace collaboration. The person who can put others at ease, communicate effectively and project quiet self-assurance frequently has an advantage, regardless of industry. This is not about physical attractiveness, but about presence. Many of the traits that contribute to healthy attraction are the very same traits that help people earn trust, develop professional relationships and navigate complex social environments. Yet while schools rightly devote time to academic achievement and personal safety, far less attention is given to developing the interpersonal skills that can shape both career success and personal fulfilment throughout adult life.
I often used to wonder why guys at Stringfellows and Annabel’s would make a bee line for the tall blonds, but several ended up chatting with me – maybe this is what it’s about?
The Missing Conversation About Positive Sexuality
The phrase “positive sexuality” often makes people nervous, but it shouldn’t in my opinion. At its core, it simply means recognising that sexuality is not only about avoiding harm, but about:
- Respect
- Communication
- Confidence
- Being honest about who you are
- Emotional connection
- Personal responsibility
I hope some of you would agree these are valuable life skills, but at the moment, who should teach them. Parents often believe they should take the lead – clearly we have responsibilities but who has taught us? Are we the right person if we have been timid and shy all our lives etc. Schools argue they must respect diverse family values; governments are understandably cautious about stepping into areas where public opinion varies significantly – as a result, nobody is fully responsible.
The Problem With Leaving It Entirely To Chance
Previous generations often learned through family networks, communities, social clubs and face-to-face interactions. Today’s environment is different because as I have mentioned, young people increasingly encounter relationship advice through algorithms alongside the established peer pressure. The internet does not distinguish between excellent advice and terrible advice; it rewards engagement. Outrage, insecurity and controversy generate engagement remarkably well; healthy relationship skills, behaviour and attire unfortunately are rarely viral content.
This creates a strange situation because a teenager can access thousands of videos discussing attraction within minutes. Yet much of that content may be driven by commercial interests, extreme viewpoints or simplistic loose morals.
What Could Better Education Look Like?
The answer is not necessarily more explicit sex education, nor is it a curriculum teaching pupils how to become attractive. A more balanced approach might focus on broader relationship skills including topics such as:
- Communication
- Emotional intelligence
- Respectful flirting
- Reading social cues
- Managing rejection
- Building self-confidence
- Understanding healthy intimacy
- Digital relationship etiquette
These are not simply romantic skills, but ife skills because they influence friendships, workplaces, family relationships and long-term partnerships.
Why This Matters For Society
Relationship breakdown, loneliness, online harms and poor mental wellbeing increasingly affect individuals, families and communities. Schools alone cannot solve these problems and it cannot help when children have left. Parents alone cannot solve them either, especially if they are not aware of what their children are experiencing. Yet the current situation leaves many young people assembling their understanding of relationships from fragments gathered across the internet and maybe chatting with their friends (equally uninformed more than likely). Some children may assemble a healthy picture; others will not
The question is not whether attraction and relationships should be discussed because young people are already being bombarding with this on a daily basis. The question is whether society is comfortable leaving most of that education to social media algorithms and their “content creators”. Because whether we like it or not, somebody is teaching the next generation about attraction, relationships and intimacy and I am very concerned that these lessons are probably coming from strangers with a smartphone and an opinion. History suggests that is not always the safest teacher in the room.
Frequently Asked Questions
Does PSHE teach children how to be attractive?
No I am told that it does not in its current form. PSHE and Relationships, Sex and Health Education focus primarily on health, safety, consent, wellbeing and healthy relationships rather than teaching attraction or seduction.
Why do schools focus on risks?
Schools have safeguarding responsibilities and must educate children from diverse backgrounds. This leads to a strong emphasis on safety, consent and protection from harm.
Who currently teaches young people about attraction?
Most young people learn from parents, friends, social media, films, influencers and personal experiences rather than through formal education.
What is positive sexuality?
Positive sexuality refers to understanding sexuality as part of healthy human development, including respect, communication, confidence, intimacy and mutual attraction, rather than focusing only on risks.
Should schools teach relationship skills?
This remains a public policy debate. Some argue schools should provide more education on communication, emotional intelligence and healthy relationships, while others believe these areas are primarily the responsibility of families.
