Loneliness – that creeping feeling that everyone else is out having bottomless brunches with their besties and BBQs with the neighbours while you’re at home trying to remember the last time someone texted you just to say hi (without trying to sell you essential oils or a guaranteed bitcoin revenue stream).
Here’s one thing: I don’t think that loneliness isn’t the same as being alone. You can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely.
However, loneliness is like shouting into a well and only hearing your own voice echo back. It’s not just the silence; it’s the ache of being unheard, unseen, and feeling like if you disappeared tomorrow, the world would just carry on, unbothered. You’re not looking for a crowd, just one person who’d notice the quiet if you stopped speaking. We all need that “someone” in our life.
Conversely, you can live in a cottage with only Radio 4 and a rescued cat for company and feel perfectly content, especially if you’ve got a good book, Lab sitting by the log burner and all notifications on your WhatApp turned off.
Here are a few reasons for loniless that I have come across, (none of which mean either you or I are broken):
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Life Transitions: Moved house? Been made redundant? Had a baby? Got divorced? Big life shifts can shake up your social scaffolding and leave you feeling a bit untethered. It’s normal to feel unbalanced and unsure of what the future holds in your new situation and it’s OK to take time to acknowledge and process the change.
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Modern Life: We’re more “connected” digitally than ever, but some of us can still be sitting on the sofa scrolling through other people’s curated highlight reels, wondering why our own life looks more “grubby outtakes”. Spoiler alert: we don’t airbrush our photos and life; they are only sharing the good bits. It’s rare to see anyone sharing a picture of themselves after a night on the tiles and crying into the great white telephone in the bathroom…
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Social Media: A brilliant invention if you enjoy anxiety and feeling inferior before 9am. The problem isn’t the apps; it’s that they make it look like everyone else has a thriving social circle, great skin, and opinions that go viral. You’re there in your dressing gown googling “can loneliness cause you to eat more biscuits?” – the answer is probably !
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We’re British: Not to be stereotypical, but a lot of people were raised to believe emotions are best dealt with by making tea and pretending everything’s fine- stiff upper lip. We’re not exactly a nation of over-sharers. As someone who was brought up in France, I am accustomed to everything from people sharing their emotions in the street to farmers blockading roads. It normalised the release of emotions via action which isn’t a bad thing unless you’re at a formal event at Buckingham Palace.
Here’s the hopeful part: loneliness is not a life sentence. It’s more like an unexpected cold that develops when you wake up on a Sunday morning – annoying but manageable with the right approach (and possibly a firm talking to yourself / opening up to someone, even if it’s your rescue cat).
1. Talk to Someone: Yes, it’s obvious. Yes, it’s uncomfortable. Do it anyway ! Call a friend. Text your Mum. Chat to the person next to you at the bus stop. (Okay, maybe not the bloke who has just say next to you on the bus smelling of weed and muttering to a can of Strongbow – yes that happened to me last month !)
2. Get Off Social Media: Try a break, even if it’s just a short one. Replace an hour of scrolling with something that actually fills your tank emotionally like reading, walking, making soup, badly playing the violin you bought off ebay because it was a bargain, whatever works.
3. Join Something (Without Feeling Like a Loser): Choirs. Book clubs. Park runs. Community gardens. Birdwatching. Knitting groups. Board game cafés. Adult ballet. Literally anything that gets you in the room with other humans doing something you enjoy. Yes, it’ll feel weird at first. Everything does. But that’s how friendships start, awkwardly, with a smile as you’re waiting for Yoga class to start.
4. Admit It: Say it out loud: “I’m feeling lonely.” There’s power in naming it. It stops it being this shameful, swirling fog and turns it into something you can actually deal with. (See also: flat tyres, overdue council tax, and that suspicious smell in the fridge.)
5. Help Someone Else: It sounds weird, but helping others is a brilliant way to feel more connected. Volunteer (but not somewhere that is going to stress you in any way; don’t take on something that you can’t cope with and avoid any charities that are looking for flunkeys to boost their over inflated egos). Check on a neighbour. Offer to walk someone’s dog. We often find our own footing when we’re lifting someone else up.
Loneliness doesn’t mean you’re broken. It just means you’re human. We all go through it, even the people who look like they’ve got a thousand friends and a social calendar busier than the M25 on a Bank Holiday friday night. So be kind to yourself. Reach out. Take the first step and talk to the checkout lady; you never know, they might be lonely too-it will make pushing that trolley with a mind of its own across the carpark a lot easier.
Now go and put the kettle on; and maybe text someone you’ve been meaning to for a while while you’re sipping that brew…
We are here if you need someone to speak to, just reach out.
Photo by Sasha Freemind
