We hear it all the time and I say quite often myself:
“If you need help, just ask.”
It sounds simple enough. In fact, most of us mean it when we say it to someone we care about. But the truth is, asking for help isn’t easy for everyone. It’s not just pride or stubbornness that holds people back. Sometimes, the reason people don’t ask for help may be much deeper; they’ve never really had anyone show up for them when it mattered most.
Trust Isn’t Built in a Day
For some, life has been a series of disappointments where the people they leaned on didn’t hold steady. Maybe it started in childhood, where emotional needs were dismissed or minimized. Maybe it continued into friendships or romantic relationships that felt one-sided; where vulnerability was met with silence, judgment, or even abandonment.
When that happens enough times, it teaches us a harsh lesson: “It’s safer to handle everything alone.”
And so, we do.
We become the reliable one, the strong one, the one who always seems fine. But underneath that self-reliance is often a quiet grief; a longing for someone trustworthy, someone dependable, someone who won’t disappear when things get messy.
The Weight of “Why Bother?”
The more we are let down, the harder it becomes to believe that asking for help will change anything. We start running through the list of past disappointments before we even message someone:
- They’re busy, I don’t want to bother them.
- Last time I asked, it didn’t go well.
- They probably wouldn’t understand anyway.
- It’s easier if I just do it myself.
That internal dialogue becomes a protective wall. It feels safer than risking another unmet need or unreciprocated moment of vulnerability. Over time, people stop reaching out altogether — not because they don’t need help, but because they’ve learned not to expect it.
What Can We Do?
If you recognize this pattern in yourself or someone you love, you’re not alone. Many people carry this invisible wound — the result of being let down too many times. But it doesn’t have to stay that way.
1. Start Small
If asking for help feels impossible, start small. Practice voicing your needs in low-stakes situations. Let yourself be heard, even if it’s just asking a friend to pick up coffee.
2. Check In On the Strong Ones
Sometimes the people who seem the most put together are the ones who need support the most. They’re just used to not getting it. Don’t wait for them to ask; check in anyway.
3. Be the Person Someone Can Rely On
Show up. Be consistent. If someone trusts you enough to ask for help, honour that. It might be a bigger deal than you realize.
4. Heal What’s Been Broken
It’s okay to acknowledge that past experiences taught you it’s safer not to rely on others. But healing starts with recognizing that not everyone will fail you. There are people out there who will show up, even if you haven’t met them yet.
Not asking for help isn’t always about pride or stubbornness. Sometimes, it’s survival. It’s the result of learning, over and over, that no one is coming. But that doesn’t mean it has to be that way forever. Trust can be rebuilt, support can be found, and leaning on others doesn’t make you weak, it makes you human.
Today’s trust message is for someone I spoke with earlier today; it’s nice to think that we can work together and help others.
Photo by Ronda Dorsey
