I am sure you are all getting a lot of information about mental health from the media today, so here are some thoughts from my perspective based upon lectures I’ve listened to from my American Profs.
Life is a rollercoaster of many things, but very few are permanent and it’s perfectly natural for our emotions to fluctuate over time. From the elation of our favourite sports team winning the championship to the depths of despair when we lose someone close to us.
I believe that we all have a mental health spectrum and depending on various conditions, both internal as well as external, this can vary from positive to negative, either to ourselves and/or those around us. For example. when we are unwell, we tend to feel “grotty” and don’t feel able to do much, but if the sun is shining as we wake up, we are more likely to feel positive and make tea for everyone else in the house. When we are in a bad mood, we can be less tolerant and perhaps even “short” with those around us, but this is generally a temporary thing.
However, when we don’t feel “the best version of ourselves”, this can last over a longer timeline, holding us back in work situations as well as our personal life. We won’t make it past a first stage interview if we are not feeling confident. Our body language alone (from not smiling to keeping our eyes to the ground) will speak volumes and we won’t be able to remember all the good points we need to highlight as part of our conversation with the people interviewing us. The technical term for this is “Psycho Neuro Immunology”: when you believe something in your mind, it affects your brain, when it affects your brain, it affects your whole immune system and psysiology which other people will pick up on, almost like lots of little sensors going off.
Some people call themselves depressed, but is this just a state of being unhappy or feeling lethargic? Using a temporary state of life to jump to a conclusion without a proper clinical diagnosis is not useful. You may wake up tired and not feeling like you want to get up but please don’t assume that this is depression; the real answer might be that you’ve not had enough sleep (did you keep waking up?) or because you are aenemic. Using online surveys from reputable medical organisations is helpful, but please do not be guided by questionnaires compiled on social media which then point you at an App or business.
When we feel bad about ourselves, the solution more than often lies within us; buying that car or pair of shoes gives a momentary dopamine hit, but does not make us feel better. The dopamine hit gives us pleasure, but this only has a temporary effect and our body will adapt to the increases in dopamine to “level things” again, making our next dopamine hit needing higher levels of input (hence more drugs or alcohol or another scratch card). The crux in making changes that affect our inner self lies in understanding ourselves and then changing our behaviour and lifestyle accordingly; what we actually need is “contentment” which is a more balanced state.
A new relationship will struggle to grow if we are constantly remembering hurtful words and/or actions from a previous partner; their thoughts, comments and behaviour stemmed from their own history; it belongs in the past and has no place in your present. Just because your partner cheated on you does not mean the next person will do the same. And yes, sometimes a partner will also say untruths because they deliberately want to hurt us; or they may see that we get more appreciative looks from strangers when we are wearing a certain dress, so they tell us that our bum looks big in it. Cue many hours looking at our bum and hating it because if it looks big in this dress we thought suited us, it must look big in all our other clothes…
Work On Becoming More Balanced
You really can take (back) control of your life, at any stage by starting to notice what you do that makes you feel better and incorporate that in a daily routine for example. Maybe it’s a walk with your dog, just the two of you in the park. Perhaps working on a project you’ve had in the cupboard or been postponing (yes, doing the filing or finishing the ironing does give you a sense of satisfaction I promise!). Been putting off that Self Assessment submittal? Could reaching out to another business owner to just talk you through it help? I can remember putting mine off for weeks just because I found it scary; I had all the information from the end of year bank and building society statements as well as my P60, but I would still leave it until nearly the end of January. Recently, I’ve started to do it before Christmas and it’s made going into the new year a lot easier without having this Sword of Damocles hanging over me…
Live in the Real World as Much as You Can
Living in a digital world atrophies our brain’s ability to read and process things like body language. Being on social media is one dopamine hit after another which reduces our reserves and makes us less able to gain pleasure from even meeting with someone on a real world date for the first time. I know people who say they feel better for not constantly being on their phones texting and this explains why-doom scrolling can also eat into our day without really giving us anything in return. Spending so much time in the digital world shifts the balance of ourself to an external world, and then makes us therefore seek validation and our self esteem from the outside which is the opposite of what we should be doing.
If someone triggers you on social media, check how you feel in yourself; it’s easy to knee-jerk which may end up in a volley of comments which do absolutely nothing constructive, even if we feel good about it in the short term. If they are someone you know, then make time to think why they may have been reacting negatively; perhaps it’s just a temporary thing going on in their life or maybe they got upset because you didn’t like a photo they posted (which given the algorythms used by most large social platforms, you may never had been “shown”). Speak to them about it so it doesn’t fester and grow.
Don’t become so focussed on the opinions of others. If someone calls you stupid, and it’s someone you have regard for, ask them to explain why. If it’s someone trolling or trying to play mind games, walk away. You don’t even have to acknowledge their comment and not even give what they have said a second thought.
Gain Confidence From Your Mistakes
The more successful people get, the higher the risk for imposter syndrome: there are far more people with this issue at Harvard and Goldman Sachs than say the University of Texas and the Bank of America. By contrast, confidence comes from surviving failure and is far more internalised, therefore when you believe in yourself then you become confident. The primary factor that influences change is a negative emotion; we learn from our mistakes or keep repeating them until we learnt the lesson or have it pointed out to us by others.
Think Positive
Without wanting to sound too “woowoo”, try putting yourself into a mindset where you already see yourself in that new job or getting the phone number off that girl in the pub. By intentionally acting in positive outcomes, our brain can start to establish new patterns which are good for our life.
Talking about things, either with a therapist or someone you trust won’t necessarily make things better; venting is a temporary fix. So unless this is done alongside being in a state to accept comments back from that person, then we are unlikely to change. Also bear in mind that venting may have us in a state of mind that makes any suggestions seem like criticism and make us feel that person doesn’t like us which just adds to the problem.
Be Real, Be Vulnerable
Some of us are so busy building the polished version of ourselves looking for those likes and comments online by getting botox and buying designer clothes, but if you’re really someone who just wants to put some Canterbury joggers and a T shirt on when you’re at home, you are likely to start thinking: “who is going to like me in a real world relationship; they want Boss man aftershave and a perfect gym body…”
Stop posting pictures of the “oh so fake” life: for example when you’ve airbrushed yourself and shared yet another photo of a meal or clinking glasses with your friends; the “look at me and my fancy meal/drink” is seeking likes or making others feel bad because they can’t afford it or were not invited. That Ferrari you’ve just taken a selfie against isn’t yours – if you like the car, just post a picture of it! Stop striving to be the person you think you should become rather than the person you are/can become. Stop betraying the real you and be yourself – it’s so much easier.
You will never get that date with the lovely girl if you’re constantly thinking “will she like me because I’m not muscle man”. She may just like you for who you are rather than what you look like! Being honest and asking her out means you will know for sure rather than spending the rest of your life wondering “what if”….
This post is for you Twinny; I know things have been hard for you this year… one day we will meet at Ernest Wallon and watch them training ! 😀 x
