The term “high-conflict” doesn’t necessarily describe a diagnosable mental condition, but it does refer to a pattern of behavior that’s often destructive to relationships and challenging to handle.
A high-conflict person (HCP) is someone who consistently engages in interpersonal conflict, often characterized by extreme reactions, blame-shifting, and an inability to manage their emotions or resolve issues in a constructive way. These individuals tend to create ongoing conflicts with those around them, including family members, coworkers, and even strangers. I’m fairly sure we can all think of someone we know who behaves like this and I had never really paid much thought to it until I listened to a lecture yesterday.
Here are some common traits of high-conflict individuals:
- Blame and Finger-Pointing: HCPs often shift responsibility onto others and rarely take accountability for their actions. They may see themselves as victims, believing others are always at fault. I’ve seen this a lot in chat groups when people are questioned about something and “deflect” things back to the person who raised whatever it was that triggered them.
- All-or-Nothing Thinking: They tend to think in extremes, seeing people or situations as entirely “good” or “bad” rather than acknowledging complexity or nuance. This black-and-white thinking fuels divisive attitudes and makes compromise difficult. It alsso makes it very difficult to handle in work situations where compromise is often key.
- Emotional Reactivity: High-conflict individuals often have intense emotional responses that can seem disproportionate to the situation. This can lead to outbursts, impulsive decisions, and escalating disputes over relatively minor issues. Cue everyone disappearing in different directions…
- Need for Drama: Some high-conflict people seem to thrive in high-stress, conflict-heavy situations, and may repeatedly create conflict or drama. They may use manipulation, provoke arguments, or find ways to keep themselves at the center of disputes. I wonder if this may be related to their own self worth ?
- Lack of Empathy: While they may expect sympathy for their own issues, HCPs often struggle to empathize with others’ feelings or perspectives. This lack of empathy can lead them to disregard the needs or boundaries of those around them and end up with us feeling that we are only being used.
- Ruminating on Grudges: High-conflict individuals may hold onto grievances and harbor long-lasting resentments, sometimes even fixating on minor slights. This grudge-holding behavior can prolong conflict and prevent reconciliation. Without honest conversations here, it’s something that really isn’t easy to resolve,
- Persistent Fear of Rejection or Abandonment: Some HCPs are highly sensitive to perceived rejection, abandonment, or criticism, which may drive their conflict-oriented behavior as a defense mechanism. This fear can result in constant need for reassurance or an inclination to “test” relationships in unhealthy ways. This makes any relationship with them feel “heavy” and we will tend to back away intuitively to protect ourselves.
- Disregard for Consequences: HCPs may pursue conflict even when it’s harmful to themselves, others, or their relationships. They may struggle to see how their behavior affects others or understand the consequences of their actions.
Do you know someone like this in your life?
