So, you want to be a business guru?
You want to rake in cash by offering generic advice, over-promising results, and taking credit for successes you had nothing to do with?
Perfect! You’re just a few steps away from becoming the next big name in “consulting” (a.k.a. professional nonsense-slinging). Follow this guide, and soon, you’ll be charging desperate business owners thousands for wisdom they could have researched online.
Step 1: Develop a Mysterious, Impressive Backstory
It doesn’t matter if you’ve never run a successful business. Just say you have! Your LinkedIn bio should read something like this:
“After scaling multiple 7-figure businesses and advising Fortune 500 companies, I discovered my true passion: helping business owners unlock their full potential.”
Translation: You once made $10,000 selling dropshipped phone cases and gave unsolicited advice to a guy who worked at a big company.
Bonus points if you throw in vague buzzwords like serial entrepreneur, disruptor, and industry thought leader. If no one can define it, no one can question it.
Step 2: Create a Formula with a Fancy Name
Real experts create custom solutions. Fake gurus sell “proven systems.” You need a gimmick—something catchy like:
- The Quantum Profit Framework™
- The 7-Figure Success Blueprint™
- The Bulletproof Revenue Formula™
What does it do? Who cares! Just promise that it will revolutionize any business. If a client asks for details, reply with, “We’ll cover that in my exclusive masterclass.”
Step 3: Master the Art of the Vague Promise
Fake gurus never say, “I will increase your revenue by 30%.” That’s risky! Instead, use phrases like:
- “I help businesses scale exponentially.” (Scale what? Who knows!)
- “Unlock your business’s hidden potential.” (Potential for what? Not important!)
- “Discover the mindset shift that will 10x your growth.” (If things don’t work, just blame their mindset!)
Step 4: Offer a Free Webinar That Sells Nothing but Hype
Your free webinar should be 90% personal backstory, 9% motivational nonsense, and 1% actual advice (which they could find in a basic Google search). But never give away real value! Instead, keep teasing “the real secrets” that can only be accessed through your high-ticket mastermind program.
Step 5: Charge an Absurd Amount for “Coaching”
Now it’s time to cash in! Set up three overpriced coaching tiers:
- Basic Package – £5,000: You get access to a PDF full of obvious advice.
- VIP Package – £10,000: The PDF + a once-a-month group Zoom call where you repeat generic platitudes.
- Elite Inner Circle – £25,000+: A few one-on-one calls where you tell them to “believe in themselves” and to “keep pushing forward.”
For extra effect, claim your one-on-one coaching slots are almost full, even though no one has signed up yet.
Step 6: Take Credit for Any Success (Blame Them for Failure)
If a client actually succeeds, immediately post about it:
“So proud of my client for using my Bulletproof Revenue Formula™ to achieve massive growth!”
If they fail, remind them:
“Mindset is everything. Success is 80% psychology, 20% strategy.”
Translation: Your failure isn’t my fault, it’s because you didn’t believe hard enough!
Step 7: Attack Critics with Buzzwords
If someone calls you out, don’t panic! Just label them as a small-minded hater who “doesn’t get it.” Say things like:
- “You have a scarcity mindset.”
- “This is why you’ll never be successful.”
- “I only work with action-takers, not excuse-makers.”
Nothing frustrates a scammer more than being exposed—so just deflect, deflect, deflect!
Step 8: Constantly Rebrand to Stay Ahead of the Scam Police
Uh-oh! Too many bad reviews? Financials getting dodgy on Companies House? Your name getting dragged on Reddit, LinkedIn and Trust Pilot? No worries—just rebrand! Change your company name, slap a fresh coat of branding on your schemes, and BOOM—back in business!
Maybe this time, you’re a “Business Growth Strategist” instead of a “Consultant.” The suckers won’t know the difference.
Congratulations, You’re Now a Fake Business Guru!
By now, you’ve built a brand based on smoke and mirrors, and you’re charging premium prices for recycled advice. Business owners are handing you money, believing you hold the keys to success. And if things ever fall apart? Just rebrand with a new gimmick and start the cycle again!
Now get out there and disrupt the industry! (Or, you know… actually help people. But that’s much harder.)
Photo by James Lee
