I had an interesting discussion with a friend last night; we were talking about his current girlfriend who has recently been pushing him to move the relationship forward and appears to be feeling both insecure and anxious not to be alone again. He gave examples such as her saying:
1. why do you never tell me you love me ?
2. maybe you’re just going to get up and leave me for another woman
My take on this is that she is someone with low self esteem and it was something only she could sort out. His opinion was that he needed to reassure her which I understand, but he didn’t seem to be able to take on board the fact that it wasn’t his job to make her feel better about herself because this needed to come from within her.
So he’s having a date night with her on Saturday and has bought her a necklace to show he cares. It’s a lovely thought, but should not be done to make her feel good in my opinion. The nuance is subtle, but I did try to explain that giving her presents every time he thinks she feels inadequate is not a solution; and what happens when he doesn’t give her something one time?
Maybe he likes being with needy women because that satisfies his ego as a provider of all things he thinks males should be doing. He tried to give me a horsey analogy of leading her to a water trough; I replied that an adult horse should not need to be shown where the hay or water is situated.
Relationships are complex, but I don’t think they will work in the mid to long term when someone tries to become the person that they think the other is looking for. Trying to please another because we are afraid of being rejected for who we are doesn’t work. The truth is: “this is me, if we fit, then that’s great, otherwise let’s both move on – life is short”. Love isn’t about hurting anyone or expecting them to change the core of who they are for you.
Additionally, some people focus on love being only about the good things, like getting butterflies in your tummy whenever you are going to meet up, but I do feel that it’s about a balance between the positives and negatives in a constructive way. It’s having a fight that ends with fixing a problem; when you feel your world has collapsed, it’s about being with someone who wants to help you build a new stronger base. Saying how you feel isn’t being rude, it’s being real and honest.
Love isn’t about finding a perfect person, but there is always someone who is pretty much perfect for you. He/she may not read you Baudelaire every night or be thinking about you every moment of the day, but if both of you enjoy walking the path of life together, while recognising that it’s important to run off to do your own thing(s) on a regular basis, then it’s a pretty decent base.
I hope you have someone in your life makes you smile and supports you to be the best version of yourself.
