When people speak about online abuse, they are often not looking for sympathy, attention, or someone to fight their battles. More often than not, they are simply describing something that happened to them. Yet the response they receive is frequently not aimed at the behaviour of the abuser, but instead at changing the behaviour of the person who experienced the abuse so that life can carry on – this happens to me all too frequently so it’s time to call it out …
The internet has developed a strange culture in which responsibility is routinely shifted away from those causing harm and placed onto those receiving it. I am quite open about describing being harassed, threatened, stalked, humiliated, or sent explicit content I never asked for, but too often the conversation immediately becomes focused on what I should have done differently, it’s like the abuse itself almost becomes secondary to what I and tens of thousands of others experience on a daily basis. Here are some of the replies I have had:
“Turn it off.”
“Block them.”
“Leave the site.”
“Ignore it.”
“Don’t read the comments.”
“Stay off social media.”
“Delete your account.”
“Don’t engage.”
“Just mute them.”
“Get a thicker skin.”
“Why do you care what strangers think?”
Each of these responses sounds practical on the surface and I assume many are offered with good intentions. The problem is that none of them actually addresses the behaviour being discussed, but redirect attention away from the conduct of the abuser and onto the actions of the person reporting the abuse. To some, this may feel like sorting the problem, but to me it comes across as illogical as giving someone anti depressants long term; pulling a blanket over a problem rarely addresses the core issues whether it’s at an individual or societal level.
Imagine applying the same thinking in the real world: if someone reported a neighbour screaming abuse through their letterbox every day, would we tell them to stop checking their mail or invest in ear plugs? If someone received unwanted explicit photographs through the post, would we advise them to move house? If a person was repeatedly harassed by phone, would we suggest changing their number? Most people would recognise these responses as absurd because they fail to confront the behaviour that created the problem in the first place and yet as a result of online harm, these reactions have become normalised.
One of the most damaging consequences is the message these replies send: they teach people that speaking up is pointless; that if you experience abuse, the burden falls upon you to solve it quietly and privately. The lesson becomes clear: adapt, withdraw, disappear, or stop complaining. Over time, this creates a culture of silence: people learn not to report what has happened because they can already predict the response. They know they will be told to block the account, leave the platform, stop reading messages, or simply harden themselves emotionally. The result is that abusive behaviour becomes less visible, not because it has reduced, but because fewer people feel comfortable discussing it due to lack of support.
The issue becomes even more obvious when explicit images are involved. Unsolicited sexual photographs remain a common complaint across many online platforms. Yet victims are frequently met with responses such as “just delete it” or “don’t open messages from strangers”. While deleting the image may remove it from view, it does not address the fact that somebody deliberately chose to send unwanted sexual content to another person. The focus once again shifts away from the behaviour itself; the emotional effects of this last far longer than people think – unless you’ve had this happen to you, I don’t think you can truly understand how degrading this feels; over time with repeated occurences, it can cause people to withdraw from society futher adding to their emotional burden.
What is often missing from these conversations is a willingness to call behaviour what it is: not through personal attacks, insults, or accusations, but through honest reflection of impact. Instead of concentrating on what the recipient should do, we could be asking different questions. How did that behaviour affect the person who received it? Why was it considered acceptable by the sender? What standards of conduct should exist within online communities? How can platforms create environments where people feel able to raise concerns without being immediately dismissed?
Calling out toxic behaviour does not require aggression. It does not require public shaming. It does not require endless arguments. It can be as simple as acknowledging that certain conduct causes harm, discomfort, fear, distress, embarrassment, intimidation, or exclusion. Recognising impact is not the same as assigning blame. It is simply describing reality.
The internet now forms part of everyday life. People work online, learn online, bank online, socialise online, campaign online, shop online, and build businesses online. Telling someone to leave these spaces whenever abuse occurs is unrealistic and does not solve the problem. It effectively asks them to surrender access to parts of modern society rather than expecting basic standards of behaviour from those who misuse these platforms.
Perhaps the most telling aspect of all is that many of the people who dismiss online abuse would never accept the same treatment in their own lives. If they received repeated threats, sustained harassment, or unwanted explicit material, they would almost certainly want the behaviour addressed rather than being told to quietly disappear. The difference is not the principle, but simply whose experience is being discussed.
The phrase “just turn it off” sounds simple. In reality, it reflects a much larger problem. It transforms a discussion about behaviour into a discussion about avoidance. It teaches people that the safest response is silence. It encourages withdrawal rather than accountability. Most importantly, it allows toxic conduct to continue without challenge while placing responsibility on those who were never responsible for it in the first place.
I am very glad to have connected with a growing number of people who feel that this behaviour is not acceptable – looking forward to sharing our campaign to call this out; UnMute !
